Welcome ladies and gentlemen, we are back to celebrate the
beginning of a brand new season of the Bachelorette. We start of by being
reintroduced to last season’s breakout ‘star’ Desiree Hartock. At first I
wasn’t stoked about the choice of Des for the new Bachelorette, but after
following a number of the other potential front-runners on instagram I realized
that most of them were already in committed relationships. So really, Des was
the only choice, because unfortunately, Tierra is still engaged. Man, how fun
would that season have been?
Anyway,
we see Des in the kitschiest scene ever, rollerSKATING down the Santa Monica
boardwalk in tiny, denim shorts and a bikini top. I really don’t know what the
producers were aiming for, but whatever it was, they missed it. Des said that
she is ready for love. Her outfit doesn’t project that message, but hey, we all
know what kind of guys are on this show.
We get
an introduction to a few of the guys. They are mostly boring guys with a lot of
issues, or just plain weirdos, including one who seems to speak exclusively in
hashtags. That won’t get old fast. I’m glad casting didn’t stray too far from
their usual type. The true star of the show, Chris Harrison, sits down to have
the pep talk with Des. She’s super excited, yet nervous that her brother will
come to the house and tell all of the guys that they suck, and boy he would be
right (Okay, she didn’t actually say that, but we all know she’s thinking it).
Des waits
outside the STD palace for her suitors in a fabulous gown. Her men start to
arrive. I know that there are always some crack-pot entrances, but boy did some
of these guys take the weirdo cake. There was that guy who showed up in a
full-suit of armor, the guy who forced his kid to meet some rando chick, the
guy who showed up sans shirt, the guy who tried to dip Des and ended up ripping
her dress, the magician, the guy who practically went for a swim in the
fountain out front, and how could you forget the guy who basically asked Des to
bang right then and there.
After
meeting all the guys, Des went inside to get the COCKtail party started. A few
of the guys take Des aside to talk, a few left the conversation disappointed
that they didn’t receive a rose. Well folks, that’s what happens when you show
a girl a lameass magic trick on your first date. Desire refrains from giving
away any roses until her conversation with the hot dad. All the guys were ‘hashtag’
jealous. The shirtless guy was so jealous in fact that he stripped down and
hopped in the pool. Somehow, this move got him a rose.
The guy who wanted to bang Des
right from the beginning has some values; he wanted to start off the
relationship by being the first guy in the house to kiss her. To accomplish
this he tried to lead her into a dark room away from everyone else. Des decided
to listen to her kindergarten teachers and said NO to stranger danger. In an
unprecedented move, she sent the creepy guy home before the inaugural rose
ceremony. You go girl.
We come to the rose ceremony
where Des cuts those she doesn’t feel a connection with, and we say good-bye to
armor guy, dip guy, and other guys who they probably didn’t show. Can we take a
second and talk about what duds 98% of these guys are? Seriously, you can pick
out the final 2 on the first night and save a fortune on plane fare. I feel bad
for Des that she has to deal with some of these guys for the next few weeks.
Well, all the luck to her.
Until next time,
haley
